Monday, September 05, 2005

How to get Bredäng home - A Walkthrough



IKEA: How I got Bredäng into my flat

It is not easy to describe all the happenings. Just moved to Poland and had to furnish my new flat. Not to loose my nerves and commit suicide during IKEA shopping I betrayed myself by imagining playing a 3D computer role play adventure game while shopping.

And here is my proven walkthrough:

IKEA is a fully immersive, 3D environmental adventure that allows you to role-play the character of someone who gives a shit about home furnishings. In traversing IKEA, you will experience a meticulously detailed alternate reality filled with garish colors, clear-lacquered birch veneer, and a host of non-player characters (NPCs) with the glazed looks of the recently anesthetized.

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Objective
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My goal was to successfully traverse the five awesome worlds of IKEA before my patience run out. On my first few tries this seemed like an impossible task, but with practice I was soon able to muster the sense of numb resignation necessary for victory.

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World one: Parking Lot =============================================================

Adventure begins!
Not to have problems, I ordered a large capacity taxi from Helo Taxi (warsaw, tel 9623) – which, by itself proofed already to be a challenge.


To find a parking spot we needed to venture down the many lanes throughout the parking lot. Warning: Always look before entering a lane, as many will contain idiots who have elected to simply stop their car (pl.: somochód) in the middle of the passageway and wait for someone to leave. If you inadvertently find yourself trapped behind one of these morons and have selected a vehicle with side-mounted rocket-launchers, use them now. Helo Taxi was not equipped with explosives. Tipp: sacrificing part of large capacity for sidewinder-rockets will save time but needs space – trade off situation. Decision is to be made on a case by case basis.

Remember: Every person you run down in this world is one less you’ll have to deal with i
n future levels, so never miss an opportunity for carnage!

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World two: Showrooms =============================================================

You start this world armed only with a Universal Shopping Trolley (UST). This is the weakest weapon in IKEA. Just get's kids and old persons out of your way provided you dri
ve over average-speed. So my primary goal in this level was to find more lethal means of dispatching my enemies.

As I entered the Showroom, I grabbed a free Paper Tape Measeure and a handful of IKEA Emblazoned Golf Pencils from the kiosk near the entryway. The pencils serve quite well as ranged weapons, but it will take some time to master their use. Before venturing further in the world, I stand at the kiosk and practiced hurling golf pencils at patrons as they enter the Showroom.
Remember: Hitting the eyes does triple damage.

Now I've been trained for the main Showroom, using the Paper Tape Measure to throttle anyone who blocked my path.

As I continued through the main Showroom I saw groups blocking the walkways while chatting and others moving against traffic. Knocking over these people gets you 50 points.

In the kitchen area, grab some Candles. While non-lethal, you can light them and stun those around you.

So I've been almost there! Worked my way toward the northern wall. In an alcove near the exit I found a rack containing copies of the Ikea Catalog. Weighing in at 17 pounds, this is the most powerful weapon you’ll find! I used the Catalog to bludgeon the remaining people between me and the exit and proceeded on to the next world.

Note: At any time you can visit the Ikea Cafe and acquire a CAfe Latte power-up. Avoid the Hot Dog, though: It will give you a temporary energy boost but then impede your reaction time for the remainder of the adventure.

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World Three: Marketplace =============================================================

My goal in this world was to locate several components for my Dream Beedroom (DB):

This world is filled with Non-Player Characters (NPCs), and many will give you important clues if you interact with them. To “talk” with an NPC, stand in front of one as it tries to browse and wait for it to address you directly, of course in Polish – which I do not understand. If NPC tries to move around you, simply reposition yourself between it and its desired merchandise. If it refuses to acknowledge you, try cuffing it sharply on the side of the head and saying, “Przepraszam! Przepraszam (means sorry)!”

Once dialogue has been initiated, I listened closely for hints to the location of my DB components. Very difficult in my case because I do not speak Polish. When the NPC stopped talking, I just looked puzzled and said „To nej jest nasz pociąg“, which means, „this is not our train“. This sentence always makes NPCs puzzled and you'll get the winning margin in terms of time to get the last Sunderbräd Pillow before NPC arrives at the purchasing poing.

Scattered throughout this level are IKEA computer terminals. If you can hack into one, you may be able to locate your DB components, but an IKEA Staff Member may enter the scene and ask what you are doing. If you speak like the Swedish Chef you may be able to fool the employee into thinking you are the IKEA regional manager. If he still seems skeptical, look deadly serious and say: „To nej jest nasz pociąg“. This small Polish sentence helps here again – this time to escape before being reported to the store manager.

After I have collected all five DB, the next world unlocked.

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World four: Self-Serve Warehouse =============================================================

Now I had to find my actual DB items in the Self-Serve Warehouse. This labyrinth can be very frustrating and required full attention to navigate. Do not rely on the warehouse shelf locations printed on the purchase tags of your items — due to some translation bugs introduced while porting IKEA from Swedish to English, they are almost never correct.

Upon entering the warehouse, you need to go:

N, N, E, N, S, SW, U, N, W, U, W, W, W, U, NW, N, NW, S, E, W, W, W, N, W.

Here I found all the shelves containing my DB components. In this mini-puzzle, I had to fit all of my merchandise onto the cart so nothing falls off as I proceed to Checkout. It’s like Tetris, minus the catchy Russian music and the fun. Don't spend more than three or four hours working on this!

Continue to checkout:

E, U, U, E, U, N, NE, N, SW, S, W, N, E, U, U, N.

I made it!

Note: One wrong turn in the Warehouse could cause you to lose precious hours trying to find your way out. So take items off the shelves as you travel, place them on the floor, and make a map as you go. That way, if you make a wrong turn, you will be able to backtrack.

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World Five: Checkout =============================================================

This was it. The match up between me and the final foe: IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad. But unlike traditional adventures, this ultimate showdown is not one of violence (much as, at this point, I'd liked it to be), but rather a battle of will and endurance. My Patience was already running low, I were unlikely to finish this world. But this is what you’ll need to do to survive:

First push your cart into the Checkout line. Now stand there and wait. Continue to wait. If the person in front of you moves forward, you should move forward as well. And then wait. The key to Checkout - and I cannot emphasize this enough - is to wait.

IKEA veterans know the secret to defeating this level: While waiting in line it’s crucial that you not contemplate your merchandise! Do not ask yourself if you really need seven tiny wicker baskets. Do not wonder what’s wrong with the perfectly good entertainment center you have at home. Do not try to reconcile your recent participation in anti-globalization protest parades with the fact that you are now on the verge of buying an armchair that somehow costs nothing. Every minute you spend thinking about your impending purchases will halve your rfemaining patience!

If you can keep your mind blank - or if you can distract yourself by thumbing through the IKEA Catalog and planning a strategy for your next run — you will be able to complete Checkout and, thus, your IKEA-3D roll play adventure game.

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Finale
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I’ve beaten IKEA! Felt better than finishing my first marathon in October 2004 in Vienna. Now it is time to sit back and enjoy the end sequence: a splitting headache and a Polish Large Capacity Helo Taxi Driver with his face becoming pale at the very moment he recognizes, that you bought not just little funny stuff but also bad, bulky BREDÄNG couch.

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